i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
