I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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