I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
