if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
