dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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