I think I died a long time ago.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
