Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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