im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
