help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
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