i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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