I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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