if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
