it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
