I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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