Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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