I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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