did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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