you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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