My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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