Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
no you cant smoke seaweed
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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