Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
