Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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