If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
