I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
