Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
