I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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