new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This baby is an asshole
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
