I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
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What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
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I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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