I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
