there's paper in my vomit.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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