i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
