he thought i was a dude.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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