It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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