i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
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Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
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My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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