hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
