I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
