He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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