you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
