Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
