you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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