Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
