So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
