I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
