In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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