my phone needs a breathalizer
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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