Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
