I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS