you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms