I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
