i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
