Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
