not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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