Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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