I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
